F. Jason Whitaker Writer

With the setting sun I'm coming undone, Things are are tough These hours alone. I've been dealing with this so long But now the sadness is more And I'm wondering every hour How I will get through these Darkest of hours before the dawn.

Silent Night alone Everything gone Finding the right song. I have no one I'm all alone  Waiting for people To do better for me  But here I am Is anyone out there I'm in need of help But I'm not sure if Things will get better.

Late night discomfort Morning comes again I'm watching another movie Streaming and dreaming Wondering when things will  Get better after getting worse These months I've been here  Waiting for something promised But will they ever do the things They said they would?

I've got nothing to smile about, These hours are the same as everyday, I'm going through the emotions I'm lost in the waiting for the uncertain, It's another day here pretending I'm okay  But I've never been okay since being here.

I am restless Testing the limits Of my patience. Today I'm getting ready For an unknown date Fate and destiny Dreams and goals No one knows What shall become of me After I leave this place.

It's a day Let's not make it into anything More than just another day I need to get through Until I reach the one day Things will be better Than they have been For a long time.

Starting Beginning Just remembering Things were different Months ago Life changed In one day I went from there to another place Then I was sent to this place. Now I'm waiting To go to another place. I'm in-between Looking forward to my next home.

I'm in the middle of a crisis Waiting for where life is Not on hold Waiting for the next thing After being in this space For years now.

I'm feeling better than dead But barely I'm not okay I'm not fine It's another day In the middle of changes Life transforming Morphing Soon forming something new Better than what was before.

The view of a mountain Outside I walk to forget But I'm constantly reminded It's being here which is draining My hope only remaining  Because it's the only thing Getting me through another day.

It's the new day Same old thing Routine of no thing Doing Nothing is Doing the same thing.

I've got nothing This morning I'm going Nowhere It's the same thing I do almost everyday. Sitting here alone Missing the days When I had you But you're now gone Leaving me on my own. I'm not going anywhere But I want to be going somewhere Anywhere but remaining here...

I'm in this horrible place A space in my mind I've been these years Never knowing how trapped I've been by the emotions Strongly felt Most of my life.

I'm not sure about the words to write To make you understand What I'm going through Is more than what I describe It's deeper than you realize I'm not sure if I have the words To express my feelings when I've got too many feelings at once To tell you all of them At one time.

Treasure chase Made you waste Time on a getaway. Reckless I embrace The things that make me stray From my routine To the days of spontaneity.

It's me again Trapped inside my own mind I'm reaching out But no one ever replies. Blue skies Then clouds Storms And happy hours But I'm not as happy As I've ever been I'm just getting by...

Random words  I could dim myself Drugs for the things That make me down But with the frown Changed into a something else Goes my creative drive Fed by these same feelings inside.

Honestly Post Harmony Lost my want to be Attitude of prosperity. I heard your words It's bitter These feelings I contain inside Deeper than ocean's depth I'm overwhelmed  By the thoughts forever going Through my mind.

Destroy Gone is everything I'm not doing well But I say I'm fine Just so you don't realize I'm a ship sinking into the night My light is dimmed by the  Everything I'm feeling Imploding Not healing It's killing my hope As these hours of dealing With so many changes In my life I feel too many things At the same time.

These are the hours Waiting for the next thing Hopeful but overwhelmed I'm just me Trying to be Trying to get through Make it to My dreams at night Just to wake up again To struggle again Through another day It's my new everyday It's so much I'm dealing with But no one is aware...

I'm in the middle of another day Nowhere but everywhere Inside of my head, I trace these feelings back To before I knew my diagnosis, I knew I was different Alone even in a crowded room I never knew how to detail The many things going on Inside of my mind. I'm sorry not sorry if You can't understand  I've got too many things Going on within To let it out...

These hours collect Thoughts gathered I've been in the middle Of a change to my life.

Let's begin... I was in a house I called home There I was And so was she. We lived life  As best we could  Always dreaming Of how things could have been.

I'm going through a period of life I don't know how to survive. I've lost more than you can imagine I've lost everything I once cherished.

Slowly I'm going through many emotions, No control over how I am feeling In this season of grieving and healing.

Reaching forward Going through these darker days Hopeful for the days to come. I am here but for a season The reason is beyond my understanding But nonetheless I am here Waiting for what is to come.

Each time I think of her A rush of emotion Overcomes me, Each day I wake up To remember Life has altered For me Since these months have passed.

Every hour I'm contemplating These days I'm hating These days I'm having Getting through each The best I can for now. How I miss the life before I had her to gather with As the days ending Became my transition Leaving all I had behind For this time of sorrow Never knowing What tomorrow will bring.

I've collected I've been redirected Heard your tale I've told myself I'm not going to be Your pawn in life.

Read books Made crafts With hooks Took my time Without a rhyme. It's a crime These days of Restlessness Dressed for the occasion But never aware Of my hesitation. I'm here but I won't be here long I have places to be Moving to the other side of the continent.

I concluded a session of life Everything stolen Me not knowing Where these times of strife Will bring me Once this phase is over. Come to me I'll give you questions To the questions of life You've been traveling with All of this time. I'm not you I never belong I just float on the surface Trying to survive.

Red light Vision But no sight I'm at the height Of my suffering Missing my stuff And the routine I had but now I'm mad About everything I've lost On my journey here.

I started a flow Never knowing where I'd go, Each day new With nothing to do. I followed the sun Watching the clouds Nothing is fun Avoiding the crowds. Maybe tomorrow will be the change I've been dreaming about When things will rearrange But I still have my doubt.

I've gone from there to there Then back to there, Now I'm here Waiting to go Back to there Again.

Saturday, September 27, 2025 I'm sitting here watching The American Housewife. I'm watching it again. I'm tired. I attended the trans longue support group last night. It's through the Los Angeles LGBTQ center and it is every Friday night. I keep thinking about past moments while trying to avoid triggering moments.  I imagine being back in California. It's been so long. I know things won't be exactly like they were when I was there before but there's no place that would be like things were before. I thought about the idea of moving back to the Columbia area but things would not be the way they were before. I lived down there for years and if I lived there again nothing would change. I want to live somewhere familiar with the potential for change. I need familiar but I also need the possibility for something completely different. I'm tired of being stuck. I've felt stuck these past few years. I miss my old routine. The only way to move forward is to mo...

I'm awake but tired, Another morning And I'm still here. These days are long Waiting for the unknown. I've been here too long Waiting for whatever is next. I'm here still watching  As the minutes pass Longing for what was before Knowing it will never be again.

Don't leave me alone I'm not doing well I'm drifting through These days of sorrow. I reach out to tomorrow To escape the thoughts of today. I'm trying to learn to live without her But everything reminds me of her. I'm going through this moment But my mind is always searching For a time before when she wasn't Just a memory but a everyday part of my life.

I recall Walking the hallway Highschool Poetry. I'm missing times I never thought I'd miss But at least She was there She was alive During those times. Now she's gone I'm too depressed To imagine my life Without her.

Slow is the way Things are going These days I'm waiting For these times to end. I'm missing the former While I'm looking forwards To the things to come. I'm here alone watching The calendar change As the seasons pass. Today is another day Waiting for the future To be my present And my hope.

 Friday, September 26, 2025 This blog is continued on my Patreon. https://www.patreon.com/jason29171 Please visit and share my Gofundme. https://gofund.me/d8706bba Please purchase and read my books of poetry: https://amzn.to/3SBfKtX https://amzn.to/3YNGb3k I'm still in this residential facility in Greenville County South Carolina. I'm still unable to leave the property without someone coming to sign me out. I've been going through a difficult time. I often think about her and how much I miss her. I often think about my cat, Junior. I hope he's doing well. I often think about everything that was stolen from me including the money.

It's time to feel these feelings I'm not holding back I'm just trying to get through Living each day is a pilgrimage. It's been surreal Living this in-between life Not living at all But waiting for Life to being...

I'm sitting here Trying to remember life Before her death. I've got nothing from Before, I've lost everything. I'm watching a show again, I'm trying not to  Think so long about anything Trying not to go too deep Into the things that bring me down.

Hello again Where have you been I've been here in my head For months now wishing I had Done things differently But now here I am Lost in The unaware. I stare out Into the sky Asking why I've been through So many things When things could have been Better than the way they have been.

Going through the restless hours Going through my memories  I've found things lost To the many times Of trauma and sorrow. I feel like there's no tomorrow Whenever I wake up  From strange dreams.

Beat upon your drum Strum your guitar Scar yourself Thinking of the lyrics I want a band To be a member of I need your song I need you to hold me closer We could sing through  These darker hours. I'm living these days Alone writing lines Of songs you'll never Realize or understand.

I recall him Kissing on the bathroom floor, I loved him  But still he went His own way Now we've been apart So many years. I need love but No one loves me The way I love them.

Last night Rain and thunder Pouring and roaring Me ignoring The storms Outside my window. Inside my head I feel dead, Remembering books I read. I'm attached to fictional characters I need them again To bring me out To make me Want to live, Each day is here again.

Saturday Where are you? I've been waiting all week For you To take me from my routine. I've been dreaming But nothing is seeming To change In my waking hours  Friday I know you But I'm holding out For tomorrow.

I'm awake aware of the time passing, No one is telling me anything  I'm trying to figure out everything I'm not sure of anything  Hours gone Where do I belong? I'm not afraid Of the unknown I just want to understand And hope that things are getting better...

I've watched the show About that thing You know, Took the time To go through All my books on Kindle. What have I read? Not everything But maybe Someday I'll read Everything.

Slow rise Come with me  I'll change everything Perspective new What do we do? Rise against Take on everything Change the things That get in our way.

Another day What did I say I'm here still here Where are you  I've been waiting for someone To come and take me from This everyday life  That I'm stuck within.

Waking up Tired Going through Another hour Towers of doubt Bring out in me Every anxiety I'm feeling within.

I'm sitting here Do you see me I've been here  Too long now. Let's forget the lies Tries to disguise These feelings rushing inside.

Clouds of life Shadow my days Stuck in this place This mental space. I've been struggling  These years now I don't know how I'll get through this These times I've been living in.

New day I'm just getting by Not sure how but I've got to survive This is nothing more Than a temporary thing. A moment in my life I will someday find myself Looking back on these times And not want to cry every time.

I've been dreaming of her sometimes I never imagined not having her, Sometimes I'm in my head Looking for ways To get through things Like these days I'm here Alone in my room Trying to find anything Something to Get me through this day.

These days of waiting  I'm not pretending  To know what's next I'm just getting by  Watching time passing As these sad thoughts Keep popping up again And again I'm waiting  For things unknown.

I lost everything, Now I'm waiting, Now I'm in-between Debating everything. The rain pouring Restoring my old routine Or beginning a new one When I'll never have again What I had before.

I don't know what to do  Each day I'm waiting Uncertain of what I will do My future is unclear  I'm still here.

You woke up Again Dreams lingering Sun through blinds A pattern on the floor You never thought  Things could get this bad. Life has changed No more the way things were Lost in this place  You've been stuck For these past years.

I'm finding a balance  But depression is constant Routine becomes boring I'm ignoring the things that  Make me sadder I wish I had her In my life for A few more years, Can't always contain All of the tears I'm mad about the way Things were handled. I'm still in waiting For something to be my new life.

When the night comes again I hold out for the last of light Bright days in the rearview I'm towards a place I've been. The promise of a better life Is empty when I've been told Too many lies.

I've been here so long Waiting for things to change, I've watched everything of my life Implode and explode Nothing is the same You don't know my name I am alone wishing things All the things of my life Could be the way They were before.

The Sun through cloud Diffusion, The hours now From low In the sky To crossing over To the land beyond I'm sending you  All of my love As time continues But someday we shall be Together watching the sunrise Become sunset With the passing of another day.

I set my alarm for early AM Sometimes I forget And sleep til noon. I'm trying to find calm I'm trying to be patient With where I am Anxious about everything I flow through the day Counting moments Before I sleep again.

Waking up is strange When it's in a strange place, I've been in this physical in-between For over 3 months now But I've been in this in-between In my mind for years now.

I've imagined time, Going back, Living again Moments from my past. I could live again Those times I miss And spend time With people I miss.

Glowing stars Guiding light, Shining bright Through the night. I'm going back  To where I belong After years being here. I'm going back To the place  I now call home.

This is the day, What do you say? Let's get past The things we Once said. I'm not sure Of anything  But I know I'm not giving in...

Before I was here I was there Dreaming Of better days. I imagined We would move Somewhere better, Together, But now she's gone And I'm struggling To find a purpose, A reason to go on. I'm not giving up  But sometimes it sounds easier To not care so much...

I am alone I know that feeling I'm working on healing But I'm trapped in this place I've been here for years now Trying to find a way out. I'm me so don't get mad When I'm not like you  I have enough to deal with I don't need your doubts I have enough of my own doubt.

Let's be real It's how I feel, It's been so long And I'm still here.

Yesterday is gone Changes are here I'm living in strange days. No routine Like the one I had Before everything Changed forever  Changes still happening It's difficult To see the things To change next For me.

Soda fountain  Is today you're mountain? Overcoming The big things By facing them Embracing the things Your weakness  Your strengths. I'm finding more mountains I'm finding more things To get over and through...

Tall trees Swaying I'm fading Tired and complicated. These halls I've seen Everyday Keep reminding me I'm still in this in-between Waiting for Whatever is next For me.

Sometimes I'm just getting by I'm trying to find the Happy medium. It's not easy To get through These days of Struggle. I'm not sure of How to explain  Everything about me To a stranger I've just met.

These years I've been living Have been the most difficult Years of my life.

It's a new day Shall I pray? I've been silent So often Uncertain of the word To say Whenever I do pray I find myself saying The same thing.

Do I know the way from here? Do I know the way to there? I'm just trying to get by Trying to get through This phase of my life Trying to survive Trying to get To the other side Of these changes I've been going through.

I've watched the clouds Dance through my vision I'm trying to imagine Heaven and her being there No longer in pain As I strain to make it through Another day.

Still is the day No waves Just remaining Just being numb To the many things That could bring me down Beneath the crashing waves Never to surface again.

Hey You stranger I've been here for so long Waiting for you to listen  Waiting for you to hear My testimony about things I've witnessed While waiting for the Passing of time.

It's here I'm here I was there But one day I found myself Torn from everything I knew as my life.

I've got no place to be For the moment I'm here to stay, While finding a way To deal with the changes Everything is different And I'm trying to find  A way of living  In this new place. It's not forever  But while I'm here And not wherever I'm going to find a way To deal with this new place  This I pray...

I'm looking back  As I'm looking forward Towards things that matter Trying to figure out What I'd rather do When I've never been In this place I've been before. It's a place of waiting, An in-between A time of changes But it's not me Changing my life  But forces from outside.

I'm going to California, Been there before But this time is different Because I won't be No I don't think  I'll ever be  Back this way again.

It's early but not too early For me to be saying I miss those mornings I've been mourning  The stories you'd tell Of times before I was And times I was away From you.

Letters rearranged Changed into a story I have to tell. I'm still waiting For my life to begin. I'm talking within About the possible future. I'm writing more But I keep avoiding The stories I need to tell. I feel so overwhelmed By the many tales I have to tell...

Sum it all up I'm feeling down I've emptied my cup These hours I feel  So many emotions But I don't have a release. It's all inside I hide sometimes Something you're not aware of. I'm not one thing I'm different things All at once Don't be quick To judge me...

Falling leaves September breeze I feel a sneeze waiting for me. I'm insecure Not sure what to do or say. Can't you see These days are difficult for me  I'm trying to breath But I'm suffocating Waiting for a time and date When things will change  For the better.

I Peel back my layers, So much gathered Like layers of a planet Sometimes it's not easy To reach the core.

I'm feeling the strain of Depression is deeper Than you're aware. I know I'm here for now, I stare out of the window Longing for the past. Hey to whoever I haven't Sent a text to, It's not that I forgot you I'm just in a place I don't think of things Like sending you a message.

The sun is shining through my window blinds I'm thinking about everything I've been through. The day is moving forward as I sit Wondering when things will change. I'm unsure of everything I'm trying to make it to sunset I'm not here forever  But I don't know where  Next I'll be.

I've been awake for hours now Still trying to feel okay  But I'm not fine I can't sleep It's almost time To get up And start a new day.

I'm going down I'm going up Don't try to figure me out. I've been places I've never Told you about.

Take me to the other place The space worth going to Even when you want to remain  In bed all day.

Dragging myself out of bed Getting bad thoughts  Out of my head Recalling something I read. It was a book I read Faster than I read any book It took me on a journey Of discovery. I met characters Traveled to far off places Felt emotions Connected with fictional characters And all of this left an impression on me.

It's a Street name, A photograph I meant to share With her But kept forgetting Until it was too late.

I turned on the television Found a show I've seen  A thousand times. Familiar faces Comforting places Spaces that make me Feel safe When I'm falling apart On the inside.

Day begins again I feel like I've been here before The signs I can't ignore Keep reminding me of The things I've done before This place is a nightmare But it's all in my mind The darkness I find Bringing me down inside Is the kind of memory Rotating through Like a hurricane Destruction follows All of the good things, I'm struggling everyday I need a life raft.

Ive been barely getting through  Barely making it to The end of another day But now I'm Dragging myself up To find hope Where there was none. I'm a loser some may say But I've got a feeling Time will be healing The broken things Inside of me. I'm mending myself From the inside.

Wake up  I know it's early But I have something to say Don't bring me down I'm coming up, I've been down for so long I couldn't see the sunshine With all the grey clouds of life I'm now bringing myself out Of the depths of despair  I don't need your aggression  No words you can say Will make me go back to  The days I've been through.

It's September, It was August, Her birthday And a reminder Of how I'm now alone Away from home.

I hear the rain, Falling, It reminds me of home. I'm finding Everything Makes me think of home. I feel this isolation, This large room Feels overwhelming.

Today is another day  Here alone missing  The way things were At least some of the way Things were at one time.

Stranded, alone I'm not going anywhere Anytime soon. I'm here in-between Waiting for people To do the things I need them to do, When Will things get better For me.

I've held out this many weeks Hope is fading faster Than that ship sinking Into the night. I'm not always right But tonight I'm seeing The destruction of my life.

I'm waiting for a call Shall it be soon Or shall I fall Into these depths Beyond the reach Of anyone willing To save me From the dim light Of another day Alone again.

Still is the morning of mourning for The things that might have been, I recall when hope was  More than a dream For another day.

Are we heading to the end Can we go on, can we pretend These signs of more bad times ahead. I've heard the shouts The people cry out Let's not repeat The worst days Of our history.

From last night To this morning I've been awake More than asleep. I'm not aware Of the future It's still a maze to me I'm just a solitary traveler Waiting for the unknown The things to be my life But I'm uncertain about everything.

Oh, oh Oh, oh I've been there But that was then I've been someone else For so many years. Oh, oh Oh, oh I've never been here The sadness deeper Than ocean's depth I'm here waiting for them To make better the things They tore apart.

Here at the down and out We listen to  The same songs Each night The light shines. We sit around Stories shared Past refreshed From the dead. I hear the things Once told to me, I remember her Where no one Has ever met her.

I've got feelings Pain inside  I've been here So many times. Have you seen me before I'm someone you can't ignore. I've seen days before When I was Not so sad But these bad days They number more than Those good days Ever had...

Friday again Can't pretend I'm not worried About tomorrow. I've been here so long  My mind is restless  I've got dreams to start But I'm stuck so far From where I belong.

In these times we have We hear of false prophecy, Alarms sounded after things happen As they have for as long as There's been people to remember The things of struggle and strife All the while living out their lives.

I'm missing the days and nights, I told you I'd miss you But these times are More straining than I ever imagined. I'm alone wishing You and I were In your room again Debating which classic show To watch together on streaming tonight.