F. Jason Whitaker Writer

When the night comes again I feel the weight of feelings Accumulated over time. I feel the sorrow Of no more tomorrows Spent with you. I'm a solitary traveler Missing the one Who was always there Until she was not there Anymore.

You know your name. You're a thief and a liar. I know you'll soon be gone for good  Because that's what you deserve. I know you'll be buried  And no one will cry At your funeral Because no one will be there...

I'm starting to feel weak everywhere  I stare at the clouds  The blue sky I question why As time makes me mad For all of the things Done to me.

It's another night I turned out the light I'm in bed but I can't sleep I'm feeling so much I'm feeling it all at once I'm missing her I'm missing my life Before all of this mess DSS Put me through.

Monday, August 25, 2025 It's another morning here. I can't believe I'm stuck here in this place. It's difficult to believe that my mom's gone and my cat's somewhere in a foster home. It's so difficult to believe that pretty much everything I owned was stolen including a large amount of money. The old man that lives in the same house as me constantly mumbles into his phone. His voice is irritating. He's hard of hearing. He constantly calls me a different name though he knows my name. I have a meeting with my caseworkers tomorrow and I hope they will be helpful. I'm attending a baseball game tomorrow with my friend Gary and the other church he attends. I'm looking forward to being back in California... I hope it happens soon.

Sunday August 24, 2025 It's a new week and a new day. I'm still here at this place. I'm feeling like I want to go back to sleep.  My friend Gary is out of town but will be back in town for us to go to the LGBTQ support group at FBC. The meeting with my caseworkers is in a couple of days. My hope is that they will support my goal of moving back to California. I'm looking forward to being back in California. I'm planning on watching the Livestream of Christ Chapel of the Valley. My church in North Hollywood. My hope is that I will be able to move to North Hollywood.  If my mom were alive or if I had all of my things I would hesitate about moving back. I'm tired of being here.

I am bitter Anger for the ones Who lied to me As they tore my life Apart as if They were helping me But I know now They're bigger plan To steal everything I had including time With her...

I reach out for help I need someone to be there, It's a challenging thing To be trapped here Each and every day. I feel these things Rushing through me A need to have What was before And a need to move on Towards the Western sky.

The tears held back Each day I recall That you're not there And I'm not where We once called home. I am alone wishing you were there Wishing I was there at home Waking up to another day  Spending all these days With you instead of being alone Here in this place That's not my home.

I'm here alone  I can't stop thinking about you I feel the sorrow of being on my own These hours of misery Stuck here again  I want to go back To when we rode the bus Waiting in those early hours  Watching the rabbit in the field, Now that field has houses And so much has changed. I'm missing you I don't know what to do I don't know how to move on without you  But I'm trying my best...

I'm remembering  The times gone I'm wishing  I could go back To when we talked Into the night I'm missing you More and more  Each day I wake up here Again...

 Saturday, August 23, 2025   This blog is continued on my Patreon. https://www.patreon.com/jason29171 Please visit and share my Gofundme. https://gofund.me/d8706bba Please purchase and read my books of poetry: https://amzn.to/3SBfKtX https://amzn.to/3YNGb3k Saturday, August 23, 2025 It's another Saturday here. I'm trapped here. I can't leave the property without being signed out. The only friend I have who is willing and somewhat able to come and sign me out won't be available tomorrow morning. I plan to watch the livestream of Christ Chapel of the Valley on FB tomorrow. My friend should be back in time for us to go to the LGBTQ support group meeting at FBC. I believe I have support for the trip back to California but I need housing in North Hollywood. I'm open to living in other areas. I need help obtaining my benefits there. I need as many resources there as possible. I'm depressed and anxious here with no support. I need help. I need as much help as I can get...

I started years ago. I left California to come to South Carolina. It's been a long journey I'm glad that I came back here Despite the reason for that move. I'm heading west again. This change in my life Could have been better But now I'm heading home. I've been living in this strange landscape Trying to survive each day. I'm looking forward to seeing The people I left behind When I Left California.

I will remember you The late night talks The things you've done for me. You standing at the Greyhound bus station. You waiting for me to arrive from California. I'm leaving South Carolina but I'm not Leaving you.

Sometimes I think about things too much Echoes of the past I carry with me everyday  I'm finding myself wanting to live days again  Times I was with you and we were laughing  We were talking about the times we had  I miss those nights in your room  When you'd tell me of times you had  Before I was around.

Alone in my room I miss you everyday You're the only person I want to see. I trapped here I no longer have a home  They stole everything I had: Money and everything I had  And my last days with you.

I heard your song It got me through So many difficult days, Crying so often in my room. I listen to music It soothes me When I am sad.

Images in my head The times I was with you The things you said. I'm lost without you I'm sad without you. You're gone  I'm here remembering The times I wish I could  Live again.

I recall the 1 Oxnard shores to Santa Monica. I recall the ocean On my right Those days Seem too unreal. I feel like going back To the place I was before all of this.

Take me by the hand Lead me from this place. I need space to breathe I feel the collapse of everything That once was my everything. She is gone. I'm alone. Gone is all the things That kept me Going forward.

I keep wanting you To be here So I can tell you About all of the Strange dreams I've dreamt  Since I saw you That day.

I feel the empty place This space you once occupied And your smiling face, I miss you every time I remember something That reminds me of  The times we once shared. I miss you so much I find it difficult to believe You're gone.

I sit around waiting. I feel so much but nothing. I'm awake but tired. I'm bored but excited. I am the person I am. It's a blend of personalities. It's polar opposites at the same time. It's contradictions. I'm Autistic with ADHD.

They lied, From the start Deceived me  Took me from my home And took so much from me. DSS helped steal so much  Including time with her. They stole by allowing it to happen And now I'm holding them Accountable for my suffering.

Late night, No light But the glow Of my smart phone. I find myself Alone waiting Anxious for something. I'm here alone Remembering She was there for me When I needed her And I won't forget What she wanted for me.

Last night I dreamt of her, She was alive, It hurts whenever I think of her And the anger is deeper When I remember The ones who deceived me Stealing all I had. They want to keep me down, Limit me And keep me trapped  In this prison I'm now sitting.

I'm ready let's go Back to the place I've been before All of this sadness. I wanted to die The night you died. I could have lied And said I'm fine But so many emotions Went through my mind. I doing better now  But for a minute then I went to the brink Just to bounce back again..

Many days have passed  Since I saw you, I remember your voice But it was all too much. I wish I knew I'd never see you again, I'd hug you one more time Before they took you From my life. That day was a knife To the back, Lies and deception Just to steal all I had Including my only family...

I heard the voices of a choir Singing out loud Let's worship Through the sadness Despite the madness, Sometimes you have to go through The darkness to reach A more beautiful sunrise.

I watch the clouds, White and grey Against a canvas of blue. I once imagined  What I'd do When this moment arrived. Here I am Asking God To get me through these Darkest of hours.

You think you know me But I've never known All of myself at once, I'm too complex Too complicated For you to figure out. There's too much doubt About your sincerity I've fought for clarity Racing the clocks And the calendar Trying to find integrity After all that's been done to me.

Slow these days moving, Caught myself remembering you Too often I want to cry forever, I only have one person I'd want to talk to  But she's gone and I'm alone missing her. They've stolen everything from me, They used lies to deceive me. I'm held captive here Without any support As they claim to help me. I'm stuck in-between, Somewhere I'll never be again  And somewhere I've often dreamt Of being again.

I never imagined my life without you, Now you're gone I'm devastated, My life was torn apart as you were dying. I'm trying to make the best of everything, But it's so lonely without you. I miss sitting near you Each day I spent with you, I miss hearing your voice. These people took me from you, Kept me from you as you breathed Your last breaths. I miss you more than ever before, I wish I could hug you one more time. No matter where I am I'll never forget you.

Wake up here, State the obvious, I want to be far away from here. I'm not yours to push around, I'm not giving in I'm not giving up, You will not win I will survive this as well.

I'm not staying here, I've been here too long, I've got no desire to remain In a place not my home. I'm coming back to the place I've felt was home for so long, I'm returning to California And I'm not looking back. My journey took me here To be with family But now she's gone I'm going back to California So I can begin my life In the place I call home.

 Tuesday, August 19, 2025   This blog is continued on my Patreon. https://www.patreon.com/jason29171 Please visit and share my Gofundme. https://gofund.me/d8706bba Please purchase and read my books of poetry: https://amzn.to/3SBfKtX https://amzn.to/3YNGb3k https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-jasons-journey-back-to-california/cl/o?utm_campaign=fp_sharesheet&utm_content=amp13_t1&utm_medium=customer&utm_source=copy_link&lang=en_US&attribution_id=sl%3A9e4c851e-95f0-45f5-981b-c94bd71b0989&ts=1755517501 Tuesday, August 19, 2025 It's another Tuesday. I'm still here. I need help obtaining my benefits in California. I'm Autistic with ADHD. I need help moving back to California. I'm currently in DSS custody in Greenville sc. I don't know what to do. I texted my caseworkers yesterday about moving to California. I have not heard back. I'm feeling horrible today. I keep thinking about being back in California. I need out of here soo.n..  

 Monday, August 18th, 2025   This blog is continued on my Patreon. https://www.patreon.com/jason29171 Please visit and share my Gofundme. https://gofund.me/d8706bba Please purchase and read my books of poetry: https://amzn.to/3SBfKtX https://amzn.to/3YNGb3k https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-jasons-journey-back-to-california/cl/o?utm_campaign=fp_sharesheet&utm_content=amp13_t1&utm_medium=customer&utm_source=copy_link&lang=en_US&attribution_id=sl%3A9e4c851e-95f0-45f5-981b-c94bd71b0989&ts=1755517501 It's been a few weeks since I posted on my blogs on a daily basis. These past few months have been stressful and life changing. In case you don't know: I'm currently in DSS custody in Greenville County South Carolina. It's a longer story as to how I ended up here. My only family member passed away while I was here. I was living with her. I no longer have cats. My last remaining cat, Junior, was taken from me. Most of my belongings were stolen. I have so...

Sometimes I feel the rush of emotion, Depression and anxiety, It flows through me, It consumes my energy. I feel the day Like a weight, I keep going But it's heavy On me.

Sometimes I remember days before, Times spent dreaming  Of better things I never imagined Things would ever be The way they are now.

Hey I'm not going anywhere You You've been so bad I know your lies You keep telling everyone.

I feel these hours, Tired yet wide awake, Aware of memories Rushing through my mind. I find those times Of days long ago I want to hold on to The times gone But things are changing As I wait for promises To be broken again.

Last night I remembered Things you once told me About years before I was born, Stories of the things you've done But no one knows these tales You often told as you looked back So often over the past years Of your life. Now you're gone  I'm missing your voice And I miss hearing The stories of days gone.

Sometimes I forget for a moment You're no longer here to tell me stories  Of when you were younger Playing alone in the cemetery The same cemetery your body can now Be found buried.

He came into my life years ago, We kissed in his backyard. I loved him But my love wasn't returned. I have thought about him often But I'm certain he has never  Thought about me.

I'm alone in a strange place, I feel the space closing in on me, I'm not certain but I am aware Things have changed forever for me. I'm a stranger in a strange place Trying to find a way To not be sad all the time.

I woke up feeling the change In the weather, I miss you more each day I'm trapped in this place. I want to go back home Just to see your face Hear your voice One more time. They've stolen everything I had All I knew as my life Including the last days I could've had with you.

Time is ticking, I'm sinking into These feelings. I've lost so much, I'm waiting for better days, I've traveled so far I'm learning new ways To live each day Since things went From bad to worst. I am wondering why  I trusted them when They ruined my life.