F. Jason Whitaker Writer

Monday, March 23, 2026 I went to my friend's house Saturday and stayed until today. We went to church. We also had a support group meeting Sunday evening with a guest speaker. My friend and I had lunch with the guest speaker and a person from church. My disability has been approved and now it's just another time of waiting. I'm still waiting for my benefits. I'm still wondering if and how I'll be able to move back to California. I'm getting an expansion card and an external hd for my Xbox series x. I guess someone from DSS is coming tomorrow but not to specifically see me. I'm going to a few places Wednesday...

Friday, March 13, 2026 My disability has been approved but I'm still in the facility in DSS custody. I'm still waiting for my benefits and help figuring out what's next. I would like to move back to California but I don't know how that's going to happen. I need to figure out the housing situation prior to moving back to California. I may end up remaining in Greenville SC. I guess I could deal with small town life in South Carolina if I have to but it won't be easy. I keep looking back over my life at various moments. I miss certain moments throughout my life. I miss her so much. Part of my still has a difficult time believing that she's not here. I'm walking to a few places today: Tropical smoothie Cafe Circle k Taco Bell Jimmy John's It's nice being away from the facility. I feel trapped there most of the time. Tomorrow, my friend Julie is coming up for lunch. I should be attending church Sunday. I miss being home. I wanted to move away from tha...

Thursday, March 12, 2026 My disability has been approved. I don't know what is to happen next but I'm anxious about the decisions I will have to make soon. Tomorrow I'm going out for breakfast and lunch. I don't know if I will be able to move back to California. I would love to move back to California but I'm uncertain if I will be able to locate housing in California. I'm considering remaining in Greenville. Small town South Carolina.

Wednesday, March 11, 2026 It's hot. It's been hot outside. It's hot in this room at the facility I'm being held in DSS custody. I walked over 16.5 miles today. I went to the following places today: Starbucks Tropical smoothie Cafe CVS 7-11 Walgreens Publix Taco Bell I had breakfast and lunch on my walk and I brought dinner back with me. I haven't been hungry today but I've eaten. I still haven't received all of the Mail that had been delivered to the previous facility DSS held me. I have no idea what to think about what's next.

Sometimes I feel so much I don't feel anything But overwhelmed. I'm drifting through each day I'm stuck and I'm lost In this place. I'm uncertain about everything  I'm uncertain about anything. I go through the these hours Waiting for an uncertain time Waiting for what's next after so long.

I wish I could find that one boy to fall in love with and have him be my first boyfriend. At night I dream of not being alone.  I once started up at the fake stars on my ceiling. I once stood outside even in the cold to look up at the stars in the sky. I dream dreams but I don't know if any of my dreams will ever be achieved 

I feel time crushing me. Each day is a struggle. Each night I wait for dreams to take me from here if but for a few moments.

I'm not even certain about anything but I keep going not knowing where these thoughts shall lead me but life has brought me here to this place.

In the night I'm listening to the soundtrack of the night. The wind through branches of a tree outside of my window. Birds or bats flying through. Time passes as I note the sounds all around me. I'm awake in the middle of the night trying to get back to vivid dreams. I want somebody to be next to me as I sleep. My mind wanders as I try to empty myself of everything but my mind is never truly empty enough to get to sleep. The rain makes a rhythm on the rooftop as I am reminded of things I momentarily forgot. Sleep comes in moments like a play with intermissions. Vivid dreams that fade once I begin my day. New day arriving. It takes more than a moment to come alive. I leave my bed wanting to go back. I begin my day not knowing what it shall bring.

Monday, March 09, 2026 I walked to several places today: Starbucks Whataburger Tropical smoothie Cafe Middle Tyger library It was a long walk and it was hot. I was considering going somewhere tomorrow but I'm reconsidering. I keep thinking about what's next. When I was home I was anxious about what's next but I thought being in DSS custody it would not be so uncertain. I thought they would help me with certain things. I don't know what they're doing or what what they're going to do. My birthday is Sunday...

Sunday, March 08, 2026 It's Sunday evening. The morning the time changed. I feel uncertain. I'm anxious about everything. I went to first Baptist Greenville SC with Gary. We went by MacDonald first. Afterwards we went to Panera Bread. I like my Sunday school at first Baptist. I watched christ chapel of the valley on Facebook when I arrived back at the facility. I only ate part of my sandwich at lunch so I had the rest of the sandwich and the full salad at dinner. I'm considering staying in Greenville at least for now instead of moving directly back to California. I don't think I can handle the stress of finding housing. I know that I would prefer a place with public transportation and other resources but South Carolina might have to be my home for at least a while longer. My roommate's noise making is difficult to deal with because it makes it difficult to sleep. He's an old man and doesn't seem to care that he's making so much noise. I'm planning on...

I've seen these days in dreams I've seen the storm clouds, For years  I sat by her bed Knowing each night could have been  Our last time together Watching streaming on the TV.

Thursday, March 05, 2026 I walked at least 15 miles yesterday so I'm taking it easy today. I plan on doing some exercise today in the room here. I have something I want to write and submit to something but the due date is the end of March. I'm going to work on it today. I feel tired. I'm overwhelmed and physically tired but my mind is active. I'm thinking about so many things. I need to focus on my writing but focusing on anything is difficult. I'm uncertain about decisions that I will have to make. I'm overwhelmed by the uncertainty of everything.

Wednesday, March 04, 2026 Today has been a long day. I left here this morning to have breakfast at Eggs up Grill. I had a free breakfast but it was almost lunch when I arrived. The food and service was great. My toe is still hurting. I walked at least 15 miles today. I went to circle k, twice to one location and once to another location, obtaining 2 free circle k chocolate bars and buying a TY cat at the other location. I went to Publix and I bought a few items on sale. I went to Taco Bell for 3 free items: one of the potatoes with cheese and two Baja Blast frozen beverages. I also went to Spinx for a free energy drink I won on the app and I gave it to a staff member at the facility I'm currently living. I'm tired but not sure if I could sleep. I returned the Xbox game I had borrowed from the library. I'm considering walking somewhere tomorrow...

  Tuesday, March 03, 2026 Today was definitely different than I had imagined last night. My friend Gary picked me up and took me to The Cheesecake factory. He bought me lunch for my birthday which isn't until the 15th. He bought me 2: Xbox One games for my birthday. We went by Walmart on the way to The Cheesecake factory. He took me by my bank afterwards. Today was a good day. Tomorrow I'm walking to get a free breakfast and other things. I need to get myself to focus and work on my writing. I need to get some writing completed. I'm planning to walk other places this month.

Monday, March 02, 2026 A new month. My birthday is this month, the 15th. I'm tired of being in this facility. I'm tired of waiting for the unknown. I miss the way things were before. I mean before she became too sick to do anything. I miss walking to places with her. It's still weird not being home. I wonder what life, daily life, will be like once I get my benefits. I had considered life after her before but I had no idea what it would be like and I definitely never imagined what has happened would ever happen. At lunch today I was the only person not given something to drink. I didn't eat the food. I'm trapped here in the middle of nowhere in South Carolina waiting for the uncertain. I have no idea what's happening next. I don't know if I can believe anything anyone tells me.